Friday, January 18, 2013

Poured out

I have looked for filling and completion in so many ways and in people. I have tried to fill empty moments so I don't hear my own hearts cry.
Move, keep busy, don't think too much.
My heart aches for fulness but nothing satisfies. My joy slipped out of my fingers somewhere between busyness and fatigue.
The cycle is a moment of returning and joy, energy and motivation only to have it melt into exhaustion and struggle, ache and disappointment.
I seek solace in quick fixes like television or the next motivational Christian book, but it only lasts a while.
The only times I ever feel that are real or where I feel whole are at church at the altar. God's presence fills and surrounds. He lifts and comforts. I feel like I am almost home, but then I get homesick.
I can do nothing without God. Why do I try?

Is 30:15 For thus saith the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel; In returning and rest shall ye be saved; in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength: and ye would not.

"And ye would not"... that is me. I return and forget to rest in Him completely. I forget to quiet myself and let God do the work. I don't put my confidence in God because life is not happening the way I want it to. His ways are not my ways. His timing is not my timing. I wait, but like Saul of the old testament I move before I am supposed to because I feel like I should be doing something. I rely on my own strength and wisdom once again. Then I fall. God takes the struggle for control out of my hands once again and I sit there dumbfounded. I never had control but bought into the illusion that I did. Oldest trick in the book and I fall for it so often. My flesh is so quick to go back to that old routine. I cant seem to get the lesson. I am frustrated at my own thickheadedness. What does it take to get it?
I am empty, I have nothing left. I am poured out. What else is there to do but seek forgiveness and try again to seek God. Giving up. Not on life, just on me. Me, the one who thought she had it together and had the answers. Me who forgets where my strength comes from. Me who can't get it right.
Him, He is, and He is the rewarder of them that diligently seek Him. He is the Alpha, Omega, beginning and end. He is the start of the day and the end of it. No one else to turn to. No place else to go. Nothing else will fill, just God. Simple.
Like a child. Return, rest. Be still, be quiet. Trust.

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